Mother Daughter Relationships – Are We the Same or Totally the Opposite?

2. September 2009 by admin.

Mother Daughter Relationships – Are We the Same or Totally the Opposite?

Coming to terms with your Mother? My mother has passed away but there are some things I wished could have been better or different. One of them was the ability to have a decent conversation with her. We never really discussed anything. It was always easier for her to chat with my brothers then it was with me. I lacked a lot of insight when it came to communications in my relationships. Certainly our relationship would have been very different if I would have known now what I know today

My mother was raised in an era that generated barefoot and pregnant women. The women were supposed to be dependent on the man to bring home the bacon. She was to cook a meal for him, wash his clothes and keep a clean house and obey. This was all based on IF she keeps her man home.

I acquired a different lifestyle completely opposite of hers. I sowed my wild oats as they say, totally changed directions and then went back to college, earning some degrees.

Today, I would hope that she would be smiling at me from Heaven because of my achievements. Or then again, she may be watching my feet still to see if I did anything different to them yet. Maybe I should have a foot pedicure and make my feet look pretty. I think now that was what she was trying to really say when she would tell me “you have ugly feet”. 

We never discussed feet any further than that, because I never knew what she meant by that and would just shut down. Our conversations would then become stuck. I took it personally, thinking she was rejecting me and developed a complex about my feet. I have ugly feet and she is letting me know it; instead of us trying to discuss what I could do to make them prettier.

I think this was supposed to be my mother’s way of trying to help me out with my appearance.  Mothers are all about appearances. They really want us to look our best.

Debra Tannen is a linguist and has caught my interest. She studies conversational styles between people and how this affects our relationships. Collecting examples of conversation, she figures out the other person’s point of view. She has studied mother – daughter relationships and has a book out. You’re Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation You can find her website here. https://www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/tannend/book_argument_culture.html

“The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation — or a relationship.”

 Deborah Tannen quote

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